Attack of the Evil Pastries!
by iridescentxlove
Summary: ONESHOT! Absolutely random. Evil Pastries try to take over the world! Who will stop them? And how! Reviews please!


**Disclaimer: I just own the plot. Nothing else.**

**Note: This story is not supposed to make sense. After reading this, you may become dumber because your mind is confused. Realise that this is not my fault. I wasn't the one who made you read it.**

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Attack of the evil pastries!

I am absolutely fatigued. My parents think that just because it's the day before their wedding anniversary that I have to carry all of my own bags to Platform ¾ with no help? Well, I'm so excited to go back to Hogwarts, my second home. This summer, I had received a letter. Wondering what it was, I flipped it over. The letters HG in grand cursive made my heart pump faster. Of course, I had no idea if it stood for Hermione Granger or Head Girl. I opened it and YES! I had made Head Girl.

"Hermione!" Harry's voice made me so happy. This was going to be another great year with my friends. Who knows what new adventure we will stumble upon? Well, hopefully we will because last year was our greatest one, defeating Voldemort. Now that he's gone, not much excitement on battling evil has happened. Not that I'm hoping for more dark evil in this world but you know what I mean.

"Remember all that Quidditch practice Harry and I did at the Burrow?" Ron asked. I nodded remembering the sweaty two zooming around on their brooms. "Well, no one has a chance at beating us in a game. Gryffindor will win the tournament this year."

"That's great you guys!" I said clearly happy for them. Come on, even if I hated Quidditch, they were my best friends. The train bell started to ring. "Come on, let's board before the train takes off without us!"

In the compartment, I sat with Ginny, Harry, Ron, Dean, and Lavender. We joked and laughed occasionally telling fart jokes. This year would be great, I could tell. Once we got to Hogwarts, I went to the Head's common room. Blaise Zabini was Head Boy and I didn't mind. After the war, all of the Houses had come together and everyone actually got along.

"Hey Granger," Blaise said.

"Hey," I said back. "What time is it? Harry and Ron are supposed to come and check out the Head's common room."

"Um. It's about 3:23."

"Okay, thanks."

Knock. I opened the door and Harry and Ron came in.

"Whoa! Hermione this is bloody awesome!" Ron exclaimed. I did have to admit, the Head's room was extravagant. Everything was tasteful and well decorated.

"RON WATCH OUT A KILLER MUFFIN!" Harry yelled. A rather hideous muffin zoomed by and cackled. (A/N: this is where it gets very….interesting.)

"You idiots! You cannot escape! For I am Clanitus! The killer evil muffin!" the muffin yelled.

"Wow!" Ron said amazed. "You look delicious!"

"No!" Clanitus the killer muffin said, "I am EEEEVIIIIIL! Fear me!"

Ron started chasing the muffin trying to eat it. Harry looked at me and shrugged. So did I. Typical Ron. All of a sudden, a cake flew into the room.

Splat! It ran into Harry's face.

"This cake is actually delicious." Harry said from underneath the frosting and such.

More flying pastries emerged into the room and started attacking us all.

"What the heck is going on in here?" I heard Blaise say. "Ahhh!" Smack. A biscotti flew into his face. "Get off of me!"

"WE ARE THE EVIL PASTRY KILLERS! YOU WILL BECOME OUR MINIONS!" a voice boomed. It was a giant wedding cake. It had a lazy eye. I pointed it out and he spat frosting in my face.

"This is pretty good," I told him. "Can I have the recipe?"

Hoards of pastries flew into the room. Ron started chasing them all trying to eat them.

"What the heck," I told Blaise and Harry. "We might as well do so too."

They all kept saying 'No!' 'Stop!' 'Fear us!' and 'Cut it out minions!'.

An hour later.

All of the evil pastries were devoured by Blaise, Harry, Ron, and I. But mostly Ron. We went to visit friends but puked on them instead of saying Hi. They got mad. They swore at us. They screamed. But I'm sure were all still friends.

Later, Harry and Blaise had gained over twenty pounds. They apparently, didn't have high metabolism like Ron and I have. They needed Quidditch to keep them in shape. When Blaise and I went back into the Head's common room, one muffin was still alive. So I ate it while it screamed. While I was chewing it, it yelled at me for being a disrespectful minion.

Hey! I remembered something. We just had a great adventure battling evil. Pastries that is. But an adventure is an adventure.

Later Ron was bouncing off the walls. He has a low tolerance for sugar. Oh no, I think I need to puke again.

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**lalalala…the end is BORING! I know! I had no other way to end it. Well, this story was absolutely random. Review please! I want to know how much you want to eat a biscotti after reading this. Well, I am off to clean my pigsty of a room before my mum has a fit. Toodles!**


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